Not Her
by zephyrchild
Summary: A canon reaction angst smutlet. Cophine.


She didn't expect to see Cosima here, she's had several glasses of wine already - the bar was downstairs from her condo. Delphine doesn't stand up, concerned that if she does the amount of alcohol she consumed will be all too obvious. People crowd around in groups, laughing and drinking, some having ordered meals. She's not much in the mood to eat, Delphine acknowledges. Not with Cosima living with that woman. Not with Cosima refusing to engage with her emotionally, like she feels nothing.

Cosima pretends not to notice her, but why else would she be here? And alone at that. She watches the brunette order two shots and down them before she gains the courage to wander over. How did she even find her?

"Delphine." Cosima greets her with annoyance. But Cosima must be here for her? What other reasons would she have to come here. She must want it, Delphine theorizes.

"Cosima..."

"Come on... You're drunk. Let's get you home."

Delphine surges forward clumsily, trapping Cosima in her arms, kissing messily, "Upstairs. Come upstairs with me."

Cosima blinks at her, "Why should I?" She responds, even as she allows Delphine to throw cash on the bar to pay for her drinks, and drag her through the doors to the lobby. She presses the button for the elevator, wrapping her arms around the smaller form to grope Cosima from behind. Nothing feels quite right when she's been drinking, she slips her hands under Cosima's sweater and strokes greedily at her hips, her belly.

"You're so drunk." Cosima laughs lightheartedly for a moment, swaying before Delphine pushes her into the elevator and selects her floor.

No sooner have they entered the condo than is she's pulling at Cosima's clothing, hands clumsily working buttons and zippers. Tearing off her clothing as quickly as she can. She balls ups Cosima's scarf and tosses it out of the way. There's a new smell on Cosima's skin, something hidden beneath incense and alcohol, but Delphine forces it out of her mind. Someone else's sweat.

"La mienne." Delphine mumbles, leaving a trail of sloppy open-mouthed kisses on Cosima's neck.

"Yours?" Cosima scoffs, but Delphine can tell she is breaking by the way she holds her hips, "If I wanted sex, I have other options."

Delphine stops stunned, "You don't want it?" Why else is Cosima here? She must be here to either have her, or speak with her.

"I came here to talk to you. Immunology crap. About Gracie and the brain and my uterus." Cosima admits, "But then I saw you and ... figured it's easier if we're both drunk." Cosima moves first this time, tongue invading her mouth, she knows she reeks of wine, of alcohol, but Cosima pays it no attention hands frantically working fabric from her shoulders. The alcohol is an excuse, a flimsy one at that, but they both embrace it.

"Tell me you want me too. More than her." Delphine demands, she's about to pull a scantily clad Cosima towards her bedroom, to take her there, make this new apartment, this new bed, smell of Cosima.

"Delphine... it's not a comparison. Besides, you're so vanilla." Cosima pushes Delphine off by the shoulders. "You don't know what the fuck you're doing. It's different."

"So sex with me was... boring?" Delphine shudders, "I love you.. does she love you?" She tries appealing to Cosima's heart, that she can do, she must engage with her emotionally, she must find a way to make this more than...sex. It hurts, the words stab at her, but she doesn't stop, instead she begins to push Cosima down to the soft white carpet on the floor. Vanilla? Boring? She'll show her, Delphine assures herself.

Cosima stops for a moment, surprised. Good, Delphine thinks, continuing to press back until she's covering Cosima's body, she reaches for her bra and manages to get it open on the third try. Delphine feels her cheeks redden as Cosima regards her impatiently, flinging her glasses away from them, sending them skidding across the laminate floor.

"No. But she knows how to fuck a woman." Cosima responds, trapping her in a harsh kiss, tongue plundering, hands quickly reaching up, ridding her of every remaining piece of material separating the two of them.

"So do I. I can fuck you, I want to pleasure you." Delphine protests, when Cosima begins to push her backwards.

Cosima kisses back for a few moments, "You're not even gay. I've never seen you look at a woman except me. You struggle to get my bra off." It's a low blow, attributing it to experience rather than drunkenness.

"Cosima..." Delphine responds hurt, unsure of what else to say, she moves down Cosima's body, inhaling deeply. Despite her harsh words, the brunette is aroused, and it shows.

"See... you don't even deny it." Cosima says quietly, spreading her legs.

Delphine pretends not to hear her, "I love it. I love your pussy. I love pleasing you."

"Why? Because you love me?" Cosima mocks her, but drags her in anyways, tangling her fingers in her hair.

"Yes... and because you smell so good. Taste so good. Feel so good." Delphine groans, she wants Cosima to think of nothing else, nothing but her lips around her clit, her tongue probing gently in her folds.

"Mmm." Cosima moans finally, pushing her into her sex, Delphine happily obliges her. Sex she can do, she can please Cosima, erase everything that happened while they were apart. She tastes the same, moves the same.

She's sure it's sloppy and messy, but her mouth has the same effect as before, causing Cosima's hips to buck up, fingers to grab her hair hard enough to hurt. Her cry of pain is muffled into Cosima's sex. Maybe she deserves this. Maybe they both do.

"Yes...yes…" Cosima cries out, "Baby… yes baby."

She wants to ask Cosima to say her name, but the words are too tangled with darker deeds. They cannot be used here anymore. Instead she works her harder, sucks more firmly, until Cosima comes in her mouth, thrashing on the carpet.

Delphine breaks away breathing heavily. "Oh Cosima." She moans, kissing around her navel, hands skimming skin again. It feels strange drunk, Delphine realizes, almost surreal.

"Very good. For drunk vanilla." Cosima admits after her breathing slows, tanned hands lock around her body.

"Je t'aime." Delphine murmurs, kissing up, "Je t'aime." She repeats herself before sucking a pert nipple into her mouth, playing roughly with the other. She can have this, even if only for the next few hours, show her love, feel it.

"You have a funny way of showing it." Cosima finally breathes in response.

Delphine meets her eyes but does not answer in words, instead a low hum emerges from her.

"You left me. You don't get to judge me. All you care about is fucking Topside and your career."

"That's not true." Delphine releases a swollen nipple from her mouth to answer, "I love you Cosima, I protect your sisters for you. I gave up immunology, the lab, being with you… for you." She's nearly crying before Cosima hauls her in.

The brunette scoffs at her, "A lot of good it did."

"You have no idea, do you?" Delphine sighs, echoing their words from a long ago conversation, "How many times you've escaped death? Your sisters escaped death? How terrifying Topside is? Everything for you and you betray me. It hasn't been two weeks and you-" Her voice breaks, and she's certain that she's going to cry, tears welling up at a rapid pace. Merde.

"I don't want you to work for DYAD, I want you to be mine." Cosima whines, "I have every right to have someone else. She's not you, but she knows how to fuck me." Delphine cries silently, but Cosima holds her steady, glaring back at her.

"I can give you this. I can give you pleasure." Delphine offers tearfully. Stolen moments, that's what she's promising. Whatever small hours she can sneak away to have Cosima again. Cosima doesn't need to take a lover, she doesn't need to have this elsewhere.

"Would you fuck me with a dildo, if I wanted?" Cosima asks ignoring the silent conditions, almost casually stroking her her hair gently. "Would you tie me up?"

"Yes. Anything." Delphine smiles, still crying, kissing whatever she can reach, tanned thigh and toned belly. As long as Cosima isn't asking for pain, she won't hit her or harm her. Not even as part of a sex game, she doesn't want to hurt Cosima, ever.

"Anything I want? What if I don't make you come." Cosima murmurs the question, seemingly getting softer with her by the moment.

"I don't care. I'm too drunk to come anyways." Delphine responds defiantly, "I want you to come. Again and again..." Until you love me, Delphine finishes silently, until you promise me it will only be me.

"No way… like… nothing?" Cosima's eyebrow raises curiously, one hand going to probe roughly between her legs, "You're wet."

It's an odd feeling, she certainly feels Cosima's hand, Cosima's fingers rubbing against her… but it's nothing. Almost as if her skin is numbed. It won't get her anywhere. "Cosima," she sighs, grasping her lover's chin, trying to decide whether or not she should fake it. Is that necessary? Would Cosima be angry if she couldn't come for her? Should she try to explain in slurred words? Or is distraction the better technique?

"You're not ...reacting at all…" Cosima looks her over, suddenly seeming very sober, "How much have you had?"

"Nevermind that." Delphine slips her own hand between their bodies, entering Cosima easily, "You know what I like most?"

"What?" Cosima doesn't halt the movements of her hand against her, but they aren't distracting under the influence.

"When I'm inside you," Delphine breathes, trying to excite Cosima, to tempt her, "Watching you look at me, move for me…" She's certain she's being too rough, but Cosima doesn't seem to mind.

"Yeah?" Cosima seems torn, between the eye contact and the guilt, she moans at the next movement, giving up on her rough ministrations to Delphine's sex, she lingers for a moment, teasing the curls there with her fingers. "We can try something else? Or… what usually works when you're ...like this?" Cosima avoids the word drunk. Cosima, Delphine reasons is buzzed, tipsy… She on the other hand is completely inebriated.

"No, don't feel bad, mon amour…" Delphine lays another messy kiss to her lips, teasing her with her tongue, "I drank too much… we can do that tomorrow morning."

"You want me to stay?" Cosima breathes, kissing her sweetly, gently on the mouth, legs wrapping around her.

"Oui. Je le veux." Delphine responds without thinking, "Yes. I want that." Her accent seems thicker, even to herself, Cosima doesn't mind, doesn't stop touching her.

Cosima gently rocks her hips with her motions, nonverbally cueing her to be slower, gentler, "What else do you want?"

"I want to be inside you... All the way inside." Delphine murmurs remembering when Cosima had done that to her, "Teach me how...please." To fill Cosima with her hand, more than Shay could without some kind of… prop. Sex toy. Kinky sex? Is that what Cosima likes? Or is it overcompensating for lack of… depth? Delphine wonders drunkenly, before giggling to herself.

"Oh god..." Cosima moans, "Like fisting?" She can feel Cosima's excitement at the suggestion… maybe she should have tried this weeks ago when… But she'd been too worried, about Cosima's health, about the growths, about causing her pain during sex.

"Yes…." Delphine repeats, working into her slowly with two fingers, adding another, "Is this okay? Does it hurt?" She sucks at Cosima's neck as she waits for an answer.

"No… but we can't. Not drunk…." Cosima grabs her shoulder, "Just keep going like that."

Delphine obeys, thrusting in slowly with three fingers, she lets Cosima guide their motions, knowing that her perception is probably off. She wants more than this… more connection somehow. It goes on, either the alcohol altering her perception or her movements too clumsy under its influence.

"Harder baby." Cosima demands, digging her fingers into the skin on her back, "Please."

Delphine cries, unable to stop her tears from falling, "Push inside me anyways."

"Yeah?" Cosima asks, moving one hand between their clumsy sweaty bodies, guiding two fingers into Delphine, "Like this."

"Oui." She answers, having given up on English, "Je t'aime." It doesn't feel quite right, but it's something.

"Harder, please, Delphine." Cosima begs sweetly, "Please." This is familiar, this is what she remembers, fantasizes about.

She moves more firmly, trying to increase the force of her thrusts, trying not to worry about hurting Cosima, trying not to think about who else gets to do this for Cosima. Her Cosima. Cosima who so badly needs medical examination herself.

"Je t'aime." Delphine repeats with a hard kiss, rocking her body with Cosima's as she finally feels her lover tense, and clench rapidly around her fingers.

"Delphine…" Cosima moans loudly, "Delphine…" And she looks the same, and she feels the same and for a few moments, it's perfect again. It's Cosima in her arms, coming undone for her.

She withdraws slowly from Cosima, guiding Cosima's fingers out of her by the wrist, before flopping down on top of her.

"Oww." Cosima teases breathlessly, "You just collapsed on top of me. Gently."

"I'm sorry." Delphine moves slightly, apologizing with more messy kisses and uncoordinated hands.

Cosima's lip quivers, breath catching,, "I'm sorry too. I love you."

She's not sure who is crying more, by the time they move to her bed and tuck themselves in. Her tears are Cosima's tears, and they're both losing.


End file.
